Ah, family. We all have them. And they often make for good blog fodder. So here goes my last 24 hours in the mystical Unicorn universe.

Last night Sailor Hubby and his brother had a text-flame war. The F-bomb flying across the Sprint/AT&T cell tower expanse. The subject? Their father and how he is doing after his surgery. Not that the brother actually cares. He said so himself. (There is no love loss between my in-laws.) But I suppose a little remorse took root in the brother’s soul and he decided it would be a good idea to ask about dear old dad. So Sailor Hubby told him he was out of surgery and recovering. The next night, shit storm hits.

In order to figure out how the train got so far off the track, Sailor Hubby asked me to go through the texts to see what was said when and by whom. Ah, late night inebriated texting. It’s the best! Moving backwards through all the “f-you”s and “your [sic] a joke”s, I finally came to an incongruous text. From Sailor Hubby. Which didn’t fit the “Dad’s doing fine” theme that preceded. This text was something to the effect of “Put your best man on the job. Thumb firmly up his ass.”

Upon alerting Sailor Hubby to this lovely missive, he swears to me, jumping up and down that, “No, that went to Boss Man.” No, honey, it didn’t. It went to brother. “Shit!” Yeah, ya’ think?

The joy of brothers. The wonder of men with fuses the length of a gnat’s penis.

*******

Today I went grocery shopping with Marine Dad. Finances are tight here in the Unicorn universe. Hell, they’re tight all over. Luckily, Marine Dad is around to help with life’s needs. In preparation of the upcoming rough month, we have filled our pantry and freezer with enough food to last for, oh, say, a month. We are very thankful Marine Dad is able and willing to help in times of need.

Spending time outside the home with Marine Dad is always an adventure. The Publix shopping was fairly uneventful (though the family scandal stories on the trip there were enlightening.) The only slight hiccups were the “milk incident”

Him: “What’s the story with the milk?”

Me: “What do you mean, “What’s the story with the milk?”?”

Him: “What’s the story with the milk?”

Me: “Um, we need milk.”

Him: “Not here, we’ll get it at Aldi.”

Me: “Um, okay?”

After check-out (during which he goes outside to smoke) I and the bagger come out with the groceries. As the bagger goes to put one bag in the truck and Marine Dad tries to take it, bagger says, “This one is heavy.” And in the most sarcastic tone he could muster, Marine Dad says, “Of course it is.” So I chime in, “Dad, I bagged that one.” No response. Gah.

Off to Aldi for the milk. And as we pull into the lot another car has pulled in just before us. Low and behold, said car takes the first of the handicapped spaces forcing Marine Dad to park in the second space, further from the door. The look of pure hatred given to the poor old (at least in his 80s) man was thoroughly uncalled for. But I suppose to be expected as the man was wearing his Army Vet hat to Marine Dad’s Marine Vet hat. Embarrassing is your father walking around another persons car looking for the handicapped sticker. REALLY?

Oh, and if that weren’t enough for one trip to one store… After we grab our few items and move to the front to check out, Marine Dad cuts off another guy in line! The man was right there in line behind the woman who was currently checking out. She had put her cart at the end of the conveyor belt blocking the man’s way to stand closer. When she pulled her cart in behind her, Marine Dad rolled right in behind that. That embarrassing handicapped sticker search was nothing compared to this. I apologized to the man who graciously said to go ahead. Marine Dad, upon hearing this says, “Oh, did I cut you off at the pass?” and proceeded to guffaw.

Dear Earth, please swallow me.

*******

Last little story. About my dogs. They can’t digest canned food very well. If you don’t hear from me tomorrow, the gas has poisoned the Unicorn universe and we have all succumbed. In lieu of flowers please support your local humane society.